A Mental Trip Down Memory Lane Spurs New Inspiration and Self Love

As I sit here in my office on a lazy Sunday afternoon, I am overcome by gratitude for having been so deeply blessed in my life. Far from having a perfect life, I can now see all the bumps in the road and recognize how they have made me the person who I am. I’ve learned to look at the tough times as precious gifts, despite their bleak packaging.

Today I spent some time walking down memory lane by looking at old photos of myself, Angel, our kids, friends and our families. I recognized the passage of time in those snapshots and I smiled as I noticed each of the changes reflected in each one. Some were of a thinner Andrea, some were taken during heavier times.

This time I noticed a difference in me after I looked at the photos. I was calm, relaxed, at ease and smiling as I put the pictures away. In the past, back in my Weight Watcher days, seeing those thinner images of me made me feel desperate to ‘go back there’ and ‘look like that’ again. Today I didn’t feel that pang of envy or urgency as I once did.

I noticed that I did something different inside my brain. Instead of feeling sorry for myself and being overcome by being heavier now than my skinny photos, I asked myself a series of questions that led me to a big Aha. These are the questions that I asked myself:

1. Where was I in my life at the time of this picture?
2. What were my priorities and how did I spend my time?
3. Would I like being that gal's (my) friend?
4. What was the general quality of my life when this picture was taken?
5. Was I happy with my body?
6. Was I gentle with myself or 'hard as nails' and judgmental?
7. Did I feel good enough, pretty enough or smart enough then?
   
8. How much have I changed as a person since that picture was taken?
   
9. Do I like myself more now or then?
10. What can I be grateful for now that I didn't have then?

In general, I noticed that when I was just thinking of being thinner and focusing on dieting, there was no room for anything else in my life. My days were spent running back and forth to the gym, focused on what I would eat next, and torturing myself with promises of When I achieve my goal weight, I'll... The pursuit of thinness taken to its extreme is a full time job and it can crush your spirit.

As I pored over the photos, I remembered that in my dieting days, although I may have looked thinner, that was the only thing going for me at that time. In reality, I was angry a lot, always overcome by feelings that overwhelmed me, given to sudden outbursts, rarely spent time with my family and hardly ever had any fun. I was always worried that I would lose control around food and go back to being fat again. It was like I was frozen in time. I was waiting, waiting, waiting.

I think that deep down I was waiting for some perfect time to start living.

Now I'm not waiting anymore. I'm busy accepting myself as a size 12 today and moving on with my life and sharing my passions with others.

Now I really get it. My body will continue to change over time as I learn to love myself more and more.

I still can’t believe that for so many years, I measured my worth and value by my dress size. So many women still do. We’re taught that being thin is good and fat is bad. Where did this come from? It’s such a simplistic and stilted view of life. How could I ever have bought into this ratty bill of goods? Worse yet, how could I have let nearly 33 years of my life go by without stopping to love myself? What the hell was I thinking?

How about you? Have you recognized that you are now a better version of yourself than you were before or are you still getting hung up on only seeing the outside and focusing too heavily on what can only be reflected in your old skinny pictures? Please share your thoughts and feedback with me. Just click on Comments beneath this post and let me know how you feel when you look at your old photos.